The 5 Stages of Grief

I like puzzles.  I suppose that one of the things that make me nerdy :-)  Brandon has learned over the last month that I will sit down and literally spend hours putting together lego sets and puzzles without the kids.  :-)  I can actually feel my brain getting exercised.  It's awesome.  And yes, these are {C}'s puzzles and NOT mine.

I thought I found a new puzzle to work out yesterday...not sure it's one I can figure out, though.  If you've read my past posts, you might remember that at my yearly check-up last March my cholesterol came back pretty high.  So, since I've started drinking Shakeology daily and being more conscious of what I eat, I was expecting my cholesterol numbers to look much better at my last check-up, which happened Friday.

They called me with my results yesterday.  My bad cholesterol is way high, but my good cholesterol is right where it should be.  Their solution: "We want to start you on a diet and exercise regimen."  My response: "Um, I'm ALREADY ON ONE."  The nurse didn't believe me when I told her I exercise intensively 6 days a week.  Or that I don't eat at Chuck-A-Rama every weekend.  Ok, maybe the Chuck-A-Rama part didn't specifically come up, but I said that I only occasionally eat fried foods and stuff with creamy sauces.  Yes, I eat them, but NOT REGULARLY.  She countered: "Well, cut back on the fried food.  Come back in 4-6 months so we can monitor it."  And that was it.

DENIAL AND ANGER: My initial reaction to that call was: "What the $%^#@#%$%$%!!!!! I've lost almost 30 POUNDS!!!! I have a superfood meal replacement shake EVERY DAY!!! How can my cholesterol be the same as a 50 year old, morbidly obese man!?"  

BARGAINING:  For a little bit there, I thought--"Maybe I just need to be better with my eating.  Maybe if for the next 4-6 months I don't indulge in the high cholesterol food, it will go down.  Maybe I can fix this if I'm super good."

DEPRESSION:  The bargaining phase didn't last long, because I knew that I wouldn't be able to pull that off.  I'm still building my self-discipline and will power.  No way I can make it that long without ANY indulgences.  How depressing.  I thought that what I've accomplished the last 5 months would have done something; and it did NOTHING.  At least cholesterol-wise.  Luckily for me, though, Brandon came home, and when I told him he just laughed :-)  And that put it in perspective.  I haven't had a hard life, really.  At all.  And this high cholesterol hasn't bothered me so far.  If I hadn't gone to the doctor, I wouldn't even have suspected it.

ACCEPTANCE:  So, after talking with Brandon, we decided that it might not be something I can control.  Maybe it's genetic--even though I wasn't aware of it.  So, I called my previous doctor today and had them pull my results from last March to compare.  The nurse was very patient with me and sensitive to my concerns.  Turns out my results are pretty much the same as last time.  No change.  Cero.  I told her everything I was doing, and she agreed with Brandon and I that maybe it was just genetic, but to keep going back in to monitor it.  I may eventually need medication to keep it in check, but somehow that conversation made me feel better.  It made me feel better that maybe it wasn't my fault.  Maybe this was a new card I got dealt in life, and I would just have to find a way to work with it.  

CONCLUSION:  Yeah, this isn't ideal.  But I'm on a good path doing what I can do to keep myself healthy.  And I'm so thankful that I have doctors and nurses to help me work through problems that I can't fix on my own :-)  It's all about perspective, and now that I've taken a day to think about it, I'm able to put it in the right place.  Still driven, and still in control of the things I can change.

Just talk

Hey there :-)

I really don't want this to get old with me just posting pictures of me working out and pretending to be all cool.  Maybe it already has.

I'm not sure how you all perceive me through your computers and mobile devices, but I hope that as I learn and grow that I will be able to share myself with you and help you get to know me for me.  And don't be shy, if you feel so inclined, leave comments :-)  I want to get to know you, too!  Let's be friends.

So...I don't have pictures today.  Just words.  And this one starts the story:  why.  Why am I doing this, this blog, pursuing physical improvement, sharing it with people I don't know.  Why?

In the beginning (of my life) I was born to two wonderful people that I love.  I was their first child, and only child for a while.  My beautiful siblings didn't show up until I was 7, 9, and 11 years old.  My parents had only me for a long time, and I was the object of their affections and sole object of their parenting strategies for those formative years :-)  I benefited a lot from that much attention.  I started ballet and soccer when I was 4, and participated in those for the following 9-10 years.  I remember being taught to read at a young age and my first piano lessons (which weren't very successful in the beginning.)  I was blessed with so many opportunities to try my skills in various areas and to stretch myself.  I am grateful for the opportunities and experiences I had growing up.  Along with those experiences and opportunities, there came expectations.  I did well in school, and the expectation was that I would, most definitely, go to college (and finish), and I would be responsible for the cost.  So, the motivation was to excel in school and qualify for scholarships.  I learned to work hard.  I maintain 9 years after the fact that my senior year in high school was harder than any of my years in college.  I was taking 4 AP classes, working part-time, and taking night classes at UVSC (UVU) for one semester.  It paid off :-)

I felt like I was constantly working for my parents' approval.  Nothing was every quite enough.  I love my dad, so SO much, but he isn't the most tactful person :-)  I remember one day, after I'd come home from volleyball practice my sophomore year, he said, "You know, your poor fiance.  You're gonna go off to college, and bring someone home for Thanksgiving break to meet us, and he'll see your mom and think that that's how you'll look when you're her age."  To clarify, we had just moved to Arizona that year, and I had put on probably 10-15 lbs.  I was a little "fuller", but for 5'7", I didn't feel it was "bad."  My mom, on the other hand, is 5'9" and has stayed at the same 135 lbs for as long as I've known her, aside from pregnancy.  This was my dad's nice way of telling me to be careful about my figure.  But I still remember it 11 years later. I was still not quite good enough.

But, putting my past in the past, I moved on after high school and met Brandon.  There just aren't enough words to describe what he has done for my self esteem.  Even through two pregnancies, he made me feel beautiful.  I love that man. So, so much.  But just because our spouse says they love us just the way we are, doesn't completely change the way we see ourselves when we look in the mirror.

And this is where my "why" kicks in.  I found a way to feel better about myself.  Not just because I lost weight and looked better.  Because I found a way to gain control over myself.  I found out that I could be strong, that I could pick myself up and do things.  That I could CHANGE my attitude; I didn't need to wait for some circumstance to come along and make me feel better.  I am in control of me, of what I can do and what I can accomplish.  I can create opportunities for myself to grow and succeed.  And that is SUCH an EMPOWERING feeling.  I want to share that with everyone!  I don't need other peoples' approval to feel good about myself; I can look at myself in the mirror and see all that I've done and be proud of it, knowing that I did my best, and that is good enough.

I have learned to love myself. And I think there are others out there who are starving to learn to love themselves.  And I want to help :-)

Happy New Year! Here are the T25 Results!

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Hey Friends!  I took a little vacation for Christmas and New Years...I hope you don't mind.  Did lots of fun stuff, like sleep in, play with friends and family, eat good food and enjoy the spirit of the season.  I hope you all did stuff like that too :-)

I got a new toy for my birthday last month, and for Christmas I got some sticky vinyl to use in it, so I made some stuff for our home.

But the big news is that I had a couple of KILLER catch-up days, and completed my goal of finishing T25 before the New Year.  Done :-)

Are you ready for the pictures?

And here's the "total transformation journey", whatever you want to call it.

To be perfectly honest, by the end of T25 I had stayed pretty much the same since 21 Day Fix.  Maybe lost a little tone, but my measurements were all about the same.  And since I really did eat whatever I wanted over Christmas Break, I'm definitely counting this as a win.

But now that's over, and I've started Insanity Max 30, WHICH I am loving.  No joke.  I'm done being injured and doing modifiers (except for my wrist, but I'm making it work harder) and it is kicking my butt.  AND I LIKE IT.

4 days into it and I'm already making progress. :-D

So.  What are your New Years Resolutions?