Just talk

Hey there :-)

I really don't want this to get old with me just posting pictures of me working out and pretending to be all cool.  Maybe it already has.

I'm not sure how you all perceive me through your computers and mobile devices, but I hope that as I learn and grow that I will be able to share myself with you and help you get to know me for me.  And don't be shy, if you feel so inclined, leave comments :-)  I want to get to know you, too!  Let's be friends.

So...I don't have pictures today.  Just words.  And this one starts the story:  why.  Why am I doing this, this blog, pursuing physical improvement, sharing it with people I don't know.  Why?

In the beginning (of my life) I was born to two wonderful people that I love.  I was their first child, and only child for a while.  My beautiful siblings didn't show up until I was 7, 9, and 11 years old.  My parents had only me for a long time, and I was the object of their affections and sole object of their parenting strategies for those formative years :-)  I benefited a lot from that much attention.  I started ballet and soccer when I was 4, and participated in those for the following 9-10 years.  I remember being taught to read at a young age and my first piano lessons (which weren't very successful in the beginning.)  I was blessed with so many opportunities to try my skills in various areas and to stretch myself.  I am grateful for the opportunities and experiences I had growing up.  Along with those experiences and opportunities, there came expectations.  I did well in school, and the expectation was that I would, most definitely, go to college (and finish), and I would be responsible for the cost.  So, the motivation was to excel in school and qualify for scholarships.  I learned to work hard.  I maintain 9 years after the fact that my senior year in high school was harder than any of my years in college.  I was taking 4 AP classes, working part-time, and taking night classes at UVSC (UVU) for one semester.  It paid off :-)

I felt like I was constantly working for my parents' approval.  Nothing was every quite enough.  I love my dad, so SO much, but he isn't the most tactful person :-)  I remember one day, after I'd come home from volleyball practice my sophomore year, he said, "You know, your poor fiance.  You're gonna go off to college, and bring someone home for Thanksgiving break to meet us, and he'll see your mom and think that that's how you'll look when you're her age."  To clarify, we had just moved to Arizona that year, and I had put on probably 10-15 lbs.  I was a little "fuller", but for 5'7", I didn't feel it was "bad."  My mom, on the other hand, is 5'9" and has stayed at the same 135 lbs for as long as I've known her, aside from pregnancy.  This was my dad's nice way of telling me to be careful about my figure.  But I still remember it 11 years later. I was still not quite good enough.

But, putting my past in the past, I moved on after high school and met Brandon.  There just aren't enough words to describe what he has done for my self esteem.  Even through two pregnancies, he made me feel beautiful.  I love that man. So, so much.  But just because our spouse says they love us just the way we are, doesn't completely change the way we see ourselves when we look in the mirror.

And this is where my "why" kicks in.  I found a way to feel better about myself.  Not just because I lost weight and looked better.  Because I found a way to gain control over myself.  I found out that I could be strong, that I could pick myself up and do things.  That I could CHANGE my attitude; I didn't need to wait for some circumstance to come along and make me feel better.  I am in control of me, of what I can do and what I can accomplish.  I can create opportunities for myself to grow and succeed.  And that is SUCH an EMPOWERING feeling.  I want to share that with everyone!  I don't need other peoples' approval to feel good about myself; I can look at myself in the mirror and see all that I've done and be proud of it, knowing that I did my best, and that is good enough.

I have learned to love myself. And I think there are others out there who are starving to learn to love themselves.  And I want to help :-)